Thirty-Six

Pregnancy does not cloud the brain, says Australian study

Wow, that's good n--whuh?

Where was I?

Oh, so earlier this week, I went to the doctor's office because I was having so many contractions and nasty cramping. Cramping at this point indicates that the cervix is ripening! Yes, like a piece of fruit!

So they hooked me up to one monitor to track my contractions and to another monitor to track the baby's heartbeat. Well, the first one worked great. The other one, not so much. "Wow," said Nurse Barbie. "Your baby is, um, very active. Wow, look at that!" What was happening is, they would get the monitor strapped to me and you could hear the baby's heartbeat loud and clear, and then you would hear this even louder noise as the baby shifted position and the heartbeat would go away. They readjusted the monitor several times over ten minutes and then gave up. because the baby kept moving.

So after twenty minutes I'd had several minor contractions and two major contractions. My doctor came in and did a cervical exam. Can I just say, there are few things at this point that would be more painful? Conclusion: I am just ever so slightly dilated.

Final verdict: false labor. Sweet.